When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
