He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
