she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
