I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
