you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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