At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
