drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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