I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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