I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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