Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I can't turn off my feet"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
