He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
