i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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