I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
