tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
