My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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