why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
