I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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