you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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