btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
