I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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