My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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