I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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