I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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