I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
