Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
