so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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