I don't have enough holes for all these australians
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Found the puke drawer
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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