My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
