I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
