make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
