I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
