I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
