I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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