Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
