What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
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