Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
