i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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