I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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