I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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