remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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