i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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