i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
