You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
