please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
