i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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