We named our party play list daddy issues
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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