i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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