yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
