You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm at about main and main street
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
