captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
