the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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